You know my heart, I am a mixed up bunch of stuff. I have had to work to sort out the things of this life that are true and right and even what I had a right to do or not to do. I had to learn to trust myself, and my thoughts and feelings. When I realized that I was no different than anyone else and mostly the same as everyone else, it was such a relief. I had spent so much of my life inside my head, trying to blend in and keep others from realizing that I did not fit in. My deepest hope was to raise my children with knowledge of God, self-respect and confidence. It is not possible to always make that happen. We are all individuals, while we are very much alike in many ways – we are still separate parts of this world and part of a whole too. I can see that different places and elements, and influences make for different packages and different outlooks but as humans we have an inherent sense of a creator, although some don’t want to recognize it and want to kick against a higher power as though it were the ankle of a parent refusing ice cream. As we age and mellow and are physically forced to take stock and to realize that this life doesn’t go on forever and that we are not indestructible, it is then that with reflection we can see our path seemed untraceable but was truly going somewhere after all.
This is so golden, when I wrote this down I was seeing the eyes of God and knowing how very unworthy I was, and also know that God sees only his son when he looks at me, because he could not look at me without the covering of the precious blood of his son. I have always thought that I would run head long into my Gods arms and this to the surprise of very godly friends. Because I believe God, he said we were as his own child and I know he would be so overjoyed to have his son run into his arms, I know because I would be overjoyed to have my imperfect sons run into mine.
“Call to me, and I will answer you, and I will tell you great and mighty things, which you do not know”, Jeremiah 33:3 As though the endless ebb and flow of the tide lapping against the unmeasurable shore, like a great lion drinking up life-giving water, so is my walk with my God. As in the 107th Psalm, we rush back to the spring of living water when we’ve allowed ourselves to wonder off like starry eyed children in a toy store, back to the things of this world. We wonder along without notice of time or direction until we realize the ground has become a bog. We are surprised to find ourselves flailing wildly in disbelief of our surroundings and the late hour. “How could God let this happen” we stomp our feet and frown in disbelief, than with fear we scurry back to our knees with crying and promises and sorrow to the very marrow of our bones. Hes there and speaks sweetly and lowly. Listen, learn, stay close….. and we do, for a while.
Today I’m great, I have worked and prayed very hard my whole life that God would heal me and help me be “normal” I am “enhanced normal”, I have sight now, that most do not. I can see the hurt and brokeness in others who have had hurtful sad things happen in their lives. I was called stupid and ugly and worthless and then beaten emotionally to bloody for getting bad grades, I never could understand how a stupid person could get good grades. I was told that my only hope was to be some poor mans wife. Thus I married two different abusive men, I really didn’t deserve better, right? I have shared my story with people who would turn around and say, “You don’t make good choices, do you?” Sad really, when you’ve walked my road you become (wrongly) certain that you “don’t” have any choice. I finally went to counseling and thank you Lord for councilors, I learned. I have wonderful kids and I always told them they were amazing and that nothing could separate them from Gods love or mine, ever. They think I’m the best mom ever and I am humbled. I have taken all kids that have come into my home as sent from God , told them my story and encouraged them always to be Godly and Love and always forgive and repair where possible, and let it go, if not. I’m proud of my journey even with all the bumps.