Funny Story

CIMG2385So I finally got to use some “rollover minutes” when the alarm went off this morning I hit snooze. Get it…roll over minutes..I crack me up!

Funny food stories, I didn’t even realize there were so many.  I have always been in a dark romance with “Chocolate” – oh the way the word rolls off my tongue.  So the kids were asking me one night, “Mom, if you couldn’t eat chocolate or you would die, what would you do?” – I replied, “kiss me good-bye and pass the Chocolate”  – they laughed and my husband said, “Shes a Choc-a-holic” – I had to agree.  So weeks go by and I get a call from the school to come in for a meeting.  I go figuring one on the kids was getting and award or suspended.  Nick’s teacher very gingerly, with some hemming and haaaing , says, “Nick, tells me you’re an Alcoholic” – “What? – my mind is all over the place, Oh, I said, not Alcoholic, “Choc-a-holic”  Whew, she had been holding her breath, “Oh – I just knew there was and explanation”   I took out a chocolate bar from my purse and split it with her, (I got the bigger piece).

Being a gourmet chef has always been my passion.  We seemed to have a full table of kids, kids friends, family, friends at all times.  I made tempura shrimp with spicy peanut sauce,- to souffles.  We frequently had the kids friends show up for a meal. So this one night I hadn’t really made enough for the neighborhood, when the kids walked in from the yard looked at the stove and said, “mom I hate when you make placenta!” – The kids in tow made their excuses and off they went. With a sly smile I said, ” how many times do I have to tell you it “polenta” .

How I met my new husband….maybe a better title is how my grand-kids got their papa!  I moved to Colorado to be closer to my kids and grand kids ..well some of them at least. I was had a delightful life with kiddos over on the weekends and kids to dinner and the whole thing.  Then I decided I wanted a man in my life again.  I have always felt I was a better “We” than a “Me” .   So I got on it is truly amazing how people will say anything and post pictures from 20 years ago and tell you all kinds of things.  I found so many that were completely lying about just about everything. I had finally given up on finding anybody…at least not this way. When I got a response from a guy wishing me a happy birthday.  Long story short we were the perfect match.  The kids would come to the house and the grandkids would say, “Hi Grandma. where’s papa?” as they tore past me.   I think they still think the best thing I ever gave them was “Papa” .

This new techno age sees changing more than a 1-year-old who found the prunes.  As one who works with computers, powerpoint, website upkeep, and the new phones that can do everything but, (and I’m particularly disappointed about this) make dinner,  I find that I have been trying to keep up with all the kid speak and OMG, TTFN, WT*, and the ever used LOL.  So of course I decided that I would coin my own that spoke to me, and you may find speaks to you as well ladies. “LoL LOL LoL – PAL – When you’re over 40 have had several kids, are you ready?  When you laugh too hard , you “Pee A Little”

I remember when my oldest son was small and he was in Sunday school.  We picked him up at the class door and he seemed kind of lets say, “miffed”  So we chalked it up to kid hormones and got in the car to drive home.  I asked him, so how was your class today?  Fine, he said.  Hmmm, that doesn’t sound so fine.. “Did something happen?”, I pressed.  “Well, the teacher kept saying, “Jesus is coming , Jesus is coming” …and HE NEVER SHOWED UP!!

Funny thing happened last year this time is about to be my birthday.  I talked to my grandson Chase and he says , “Happy Birthday Naany” , “How old are you now?”  – Keep in mind he has no front teeth and a slight lisp as well.

I am 55 today, I tell him, “Oh My DOD!” , he says….

I have tried always to be rather proper and not so much vulgar.  The word “fart” was most offensive and the action, well  – mortifying.  So I taught my kids to say, “popped a button” I know it’s almost Victorian.  I’m complicated what can I say.  So that lays the premise for my story.  The kids were all dressed up very cute and we sat in the front row at the elementary school, along with my mother, their grandmother to see son number two receiving two awards for academics.  We clapped and smiled and gathered together for a fast food lunch to celebrate.  My mom turned to #2 son and says, “I was so proud I almost popped a button” , needless to say the kids erupted into uproarious laughter, what the heck so did I.

No joke! –  I was getting ready to take off vacation and everyone in the office was whining.  What about the morning funny and the lunch time funny and the afternoon funny…you get the idea.  So I decided the best thing to do would be to leave enough funny for the week I would be gone..unfortunatly I didn’t have enough time to get that much typed out so I did the next best thing. “The Blue One” – “Not real wool” – That was what I said” – “Brown mostly” – “Pope not pulp” … guessed it….. just the punch lines.  They are still asking for the jokes!

Many years ago, I was at a gathering and the little kiddos were everywhere, when ever one came near I would pick them up and sit them on my lap. We would chat and they would squirm and want down and I’d get another one.  They were so cute, I figured they were just so excited to be together and play they just couldn’t hold still to visit aunt Ty.   I see my sisters little girl Michelle and snatch her up, we played a little and she sat down on my lap, she kept squirming and trying to put her hands under her legs. I was finally so puzzled I ask,”Shelly, whats the matter?” She tilted her head and raised her eyebrows and said, “Aunt Ty your legs are stickery”…Guess you even have to shave if your just going to be around the girls!

So, it’s just after the twins were born and one of my sons asks me if we will be having any more babies.  “No” I tell him,”I think this will be the end of the babies”.. he sits there a couple of minutes and then again he asks, “Mom are you sure?”, his older brother looks at me and says, “I’ll explain it to him mom”, he goes over and sits next to his brother and says, “there won’t be anymore babies because she’s spaded”  “Oh, well that’s pretty much correct…”

Oh boy, kids say the darndest things. While visiting with some of the grandkids this summer I took my hair out of the tightly twisted bun it sits in when the weather is hot.  My little 4-year-old grandson walks over and looks at my hair, I’m thinking he is checking out how long it is, it is very long..but not quite what he’s thinking. ” Oh Naany” he says,”I wish your hair wasn’t that color”, he walks back to his chair on the patio shaking his head. “You don’t like my hair color?” I query.  “Well”, he twists his mouth to the side and shakes his head again. “When you have that color hair your going to heaven soon”

I can be a nut, I just love life pretty much all the time.  One thing I love to do is slide across the hardwood floors in the kitchen and the entry way in my socks.  I always get the grand kids to get into the picture when their around.  So this one day I come in from work and I take off my tennis shoes and figure I’ll start the evening with a big slid!  I take 3 running steps and go flying like a rocket all the way to the front door and hit the wall, fell flat on my back and was..what the ?  My husband yells from the bedroom babe I cleaned the hardwood floors today.  Really? – what did you use?  Pledge!

One day as I was getting the restaurant  ready to open this fella walks in and says,  “I’m here to see Ian”, “Oh” I replied, “What did you need to see him about?”  “I shot his horse”  …I totally could not breath..”OH?   I’ll go get him” I tore through the kitchen and up the stairs to the office, – flung the door open and out of breath bent over with my hands on my knees, to stop the shaking. ” Ian there’s a man downstairs who says he shot your horse” , ” Oh great, here’s a check for him, tell him thanks for me” …”Ian, your love your horse –  why did he shoot your horse?”  Ian, who had his back to me at his computer spun around and  shook his head and said, “Ty – the man SHOD my horse.”  I guess I shouldn’t have given the guy a dirty look.  I handed the “horseshoer” the check and pronounced it clearly to him, “Heres you Cheaak – for the Shoooing”

When I met my husband’s son (my new son) for the first time I was a little bit uneasy.  Although there are very few people who don’t just love me, the child of a single person, man or woman can prove to be quite a challenge.  That said, we arrive at  my “boyfriend’s” house, we go out to the patio with a beer and start the BBQ. After a short time the “son” arrives on the scene.  introductions are made and we sit to chit-chat.  Son is telling me about this thing on the news about a sack of kittens that was thrown out of a car window onto the highway.  “Oh My Gosh, I shrieked – Don’t they know your suppose to drown them?”  As soon as he could close his mouth and poked his eyes back in the sockets, I said, “Kidding”  ..the  beginning of a beautiful friendship.

One of my many jobs, was working in a fine dining restaurant. I was working in the bartender spot this night, which was basically serving beer and wine to guests waiting for their tables.   We have these huge doors in the floor that hide the stairs to the wine cellar,  while in the wine cellar the doors are open and someone could fall in the hole! – so someone has to stand at the top of the stairs while you’re in the cellar. I’m in the cellar filling a case box with the wines we need for the night and have the box loaded full and some on top too, as I go to the stairs the co-worker guarding the floor calls my name so I look up – She pulled up her skirt and I am saying, “my eyes – my eyes ..please! – it looks like and old smashed calico cat”   Shes laughing and I climb up the stairs with my box.   So I go up to the office and make a sign on the computer: LOST calico cat, missing some hair, appears old and wrinkled – and left it one her car window.  I also worked for a veterinarian, which she happened to bring her animals to.  So one day she calls for and appointment and I see that the girl at the desk has her chart, so I wrote a note for her to ask if she still had that old calico cat that was missing hair?  I hear an uproar of laughter…..cha ching paid in full my work here is done.

Years ago I lived in Burney, California, up in the mountains where the sweetest people live.   I say this because one of the sweetest is a young lady that never had a bad thought in her head.   Teresa is a little on the hippie side, well a lot on the hippie side.  She cans, weaves, recycles, and anything else she can on her own.  She decided she was putting in a garden and wanted it to be organic. Teresa was wanting some way to kill bugs and pests naturally, like chickens or ducks.   We sat down for herbal tea for her and I brought my own coffee, she was pouring over the Penny Saver, which is a little booklet of things for sale and wanted, all cheap!   She jumps up, “Oh yes, this is exactly what I’m looking for!” , she was off dialing the phone, so I picked up the ad and read: Hunting Dogs trained Ducks & Geese.. I’m saying, “NO” as she is asking, “What are the ducks & geese trained to do?” ….

I learned that if you worked for a veterinary hospital you have to be tactful with pet owners. Especially so if the pet is really like their child.  I was trying to give some vaccines to a little chihuahua, I know redundant, anyway if you know anything at all about chihuahua “children” they are the demons of the dog world!  (Sorry,  if yours is the one exception to this rule, there’s always one)  I am covered with snot, hair, pee, and poop, and this little doll hasn’t had the shot yet.  Ok, I’m thinking theres got to be an easier way, _I’ll wrap him in a towel and hold him down ..ever so GENTLY.   I get the towel and ask the owner – strike that -the parents to let me hold him alone.  I wrapped the towel around him like a burrito and pulled out a back leg and blammo, hes protected from some vicious bug.  I hand him to the ..parents and say, “See theres more than one way to skin a cat” …oooo, I gotta stop saying that …

When I worked for the cardiologist, I sat next to a gal that was a little on the shall we say “odd” side, in my opinion.  Odd things bothered her and I in her world I was the oddest.  I tend to be very happy most all the time and I express it in smiles, jokes, laughter, and often humming or whistling.  Well, it bothered her.  I was reminded frequently with a loud clearing of her throat or ,”Ty!”  I was usually caught of guard as I had no idea that my “happiness” was escaping yet again. ” I’m trying April, sorry”  “Try harder” she said.  “It wouldn’t be so bad if you didn’t hum ..well – progressive Jazz! – Yes its like progressive Jazz”   I have always loved progressive jazz – so I said, “Thank You”  Everyone around us snickered and April, Humphed!  So later that same day I was again “happy”, April stood up and said, “Will you please STOP the humming!”  “OK, I said, but then I can hear the voices”   She never asked my to quit again, in fact she started humming rather oddly after that herself.

Mikey was very little and I was pregnant with the next little prodigy.  We went into the post office this one day and as we walked a man dropped a letter in the floor and Mikey chased it down a gave it back to the man.  “Why, thank you young man” he said, “you’re welcome, old man” “Oh, sorry,” I was so shocked.  The man looked at my bulging belly and said, “Well are you going to have a baby”, “No, but my mom is”, Oh  was all I could say again.  The man squatted down to see Mikey eye to eye and said, “are you going to have a brother or a sister?”,  Mike looked up at me and then got down low like the man did and said, “You can’t tell till it gets here”  Oh I said again, the man snickered and walked away.

I married the most wonderful man in the world on Valentines day.  We had our huge family there with some 10 grandkids and a combined 8 of our 9 kids in attendance.  It was a magical thing.  My brother in  law a very handsome man with the whitest of white hair, was all dressed in his tux and had just done our toast, was standing talking to someone and we walked up with our  4-year-old granddaughter Hailey, my husband ask her,” do you know who this is?’  she said, “Yes, I saw him on TV he’s running for president.

Megan and her blanky were inseparable. That blanky got so thin and lost its lining and the ribbon around the edge too but she had to have it.  One day she came in crying that Travis had hidden her blanky.  “Trav, get in here”, I yelled through the house because I was doing the dishes. Trav stuck his head through the doorway and said, “What?” “Give your sister her blanky back, please” , “I don’t have it”  “Did you take it?”  “No”.  Megan was so mad, “yes he did – he hid it” ..”I’ll help you look  when I’m done here, ok?”  “OK, but hurry”  we looked and looked and didn’t find it, Travis swore he had no idea where it was.  Poor Meg was just lost without it.   It was a couple of months later on Christmas morning, Trav goes over to the fireplace and picks up this brass nozzle that sat there all the time and pulled Meg’s blanky out of it and said, “Merry Christmas”, everybody busted up laughing, except Meg of course.

We had all sat down to supper, it was fried chicken. There are six of us kids and of course my parents. Although I don’t think dad was at the table that day.  So, we had one chicken for all these people, my mom always cut it up to make more pieces, but it was what it was.  They chicken plate was cleaned in a flash, my little brother holds up his plate and says, “can I have some more?”  mom goes to the stove and gets the organ parts she had cooked, she put the heart on his plate and he looks up in shock and says, “I ain’t eat’n the weeny!”

Well, you know how somethings that are just supposed to be, aren’t sometimes.  This was of course before “Murphy’s law”  – I call it …”just my luck”   So I had loaded the kids into the van and was headed out to my sister Andrea’s house in Bradley.  So were going along singing and being silly, up ahead we see a pigeon on the rail road tracks, the kids all at once, “mom watch out don’t hit the bird”  “Oh, don’t worry he will fly away.”  Bump bump, no noise at all in the car, then “Moooom you killed it” “It must have been sick”, I said.  “Or suicidal”  I put the car into reverse and backed up looking down at the bird, I say, “Yup, he’s holding a little suicide note.”


 This one day my sisters and I along with all of our daughters and our mom went to this nice restaurant for a lunch.  I took Megan aside before we went inside and told her there may be things that you haven’t tried before and I hope you will try them, but under no circumstances does any thing you put into your mouth come back out – and if you don’t like the taste, swallow it with a smile and no comments – got it ?  She said, “yes mom”.  So we sat down they brought crudite and my mother put a carrot in her mouth that had been marinated in ginger and other things.  She immediately spat it into her hand, and grabbed her water and said, “That’s disgusting, how awful – ewww! I hope all the food isn’t like this!”   Megan leaned over and whispered into my ear, “I see what you mean, Mom”

I am the proud mother of twins, now that they are 25 it is easier in soo many ways.  I do recall a time when this was not the case.  I was folding laundry in the laundry room and realized that the house was way too quiet.  I dropped what I was folding and said, “babies where are you?” , I heard giggles in the living room.  I walked down the hall and turned the corner, I was met with shock – I was stunned for a moment. The twins each had a can of comet and were sprinkling it all over our new burnt orange couches.  “Noooo, No – bad babies!”  – I ran to the first one grabbed the comet and reached out for the other can and Meg dropped it and ran.  Of course that sent a plumb of toxic powder into the air and my face.  Oh no, what am I going to do.  I decided to see if I could just tap around on the cushions and get it to just dust off. More toxic dust, meanwhile Trav brings me a shoe to try to make up. “No, stay back!”  I took the shoe and tossed it over my shoulder and Trav toddled backwards and grabbed to curtains so he wouldn’t fall, the curtains of course tore off  the wall and landed on top of us both at about the same moment that the shoe I had tossed hit the glass in the front door and broke it out. It was dead quiet and Meg was across the room with both her hands clapped on either side of her face and her mouth hanging open.  I started to laugh a they did too, both crawled into my lap and hugged me.  I did the only natural thing, I took them outside with a popsicle and we ended up in the sprinklers then they took a nap and I vacuumed the comet up, swept up the glass and put the curtain rod back on the wall, and lastly added child safety locks to my shopping list.  All in a days work.

When I was expecting my second child,we knew it was a boy and we had decided to  allowed the first-born to name his new brother to be.  (very risky, because at the time his favorite thing in the world was “Spiderman” )  So I sat with him one afternoon and ask if he had made any decision yet. “Well, I think we should call him Nicholas” , he smiled real big.  It just so happened that his other favorite thing was a TV show called Eight is Enough, which featured a young boy named Nicholas who was always getting into trouble.   “Well that’s great” , I told him.  “What about a middle name, he’s got to have a middle name” I prompted.  He said,”that’s good”, “Whats good?”  I said.   “Scott” – he said.  “Scott?” I replied.  “Yes mom” he said again, “You said, hes Scott to have a middle name” Whew, no Spiderman, thank God.

When my first son was small, he walked out of the bathroom with a tampon in his hand and asked, “Whats this?’  – ahhh?  Its and earplug, I said taking it out of his hand. “Oh”, he said and went off to play.  So one day I get a call from our neighbor who worked at the local radio station. “Quick! – bring me a tampon”  “Ok be right there” ,  I said.  So I grabbed a couple and told my boy to get in the car. “Why?” , he said.  “May needs an earplug”  I said.  He looked up at me kind of funny and said, ” Well why doesn’t she just play something she likes?”


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