Part Three

What hurts comes from wanting and needing your parent, spouse or child to affirm love and connection.  I wanted to have a bond with my mother my whole life.   She just had nothing to offer.  Each of my siblings had times of “In” with our mother, but where” in” was soon became out.   Each one would take such joy in the time of approval and live in that moment as though it would never end.  The six of us would honor the one who was in the,  what to call it?   It was like one was let inside the force field.   One thing we could always count on was the In would become the out once again.   Always it was accomplished with great drama and stinging hurtful language. The scene was as one might expect from someone who stumbles upon and intruder most hideous.

My mother was in the hospital, my sisters went also. The doctor informed them that after an xray and tests, they discovered that the whole back half of mom’s heart was black and dead.    I was dumbfounded.   She passed about a week later.  Where will our mother be?  Was she a tormented soul her whole life?  Did she know Jesus?  I hope she did, while none of us deserve heaven, it hurts to think she went anywhere else.  I just keep thinking, “you will know them by the love among themselves”.

The funeral service was odd, all of us kids were there together. I had thoughts of dad’s funeral, which I quickly dismissed. My little brother, said he really didn’t have any feelings.  I told him we had all mourned the loss of our mother our whole lives, and that was what he said at the funeral.  Only one sister cried and said how she loved our mom and how wonderful mom was.   She may have needed her the most of all.  My two other sisters, had been either yelled at or shunned days prior to moms death.   My little sister, said she wanted to hold moms hand and tell her she loved her and have her say it back. She didn’t because she was afraid mom would shove her away or laugh, she did not go to her.

Mother has been gone now several months.  Again, or shall I say “still” my ability to count time is very much padded away for my safety.  Mother’s Day will be in two days.  This year I don’t need to go stand in the card isle of some store to find a card to send to my mother  – a card that would convey, honor and thoughtfulness while not adding syrupy mother Teresa-esk, lies.

The weather has gotten warmer, only to be told we will have Snow for Mother’s day.  Not a huge deal, I am two weeks post surgery for a major southern movement of all my plumbing.  It has been a slow recovery.  What does one do when you must stay very low activity.    I can’t go pull weeds.  Even sweeping, mopping, and vacuuming  are painful.

I am consumed with an undefinable something. I can’t put a face to the issue that is forefront in my mind.  I was not settled with my mother gone. What is it? I sit and contemplate  the loss. It is not her loss but that of the possibility for some sort of reconciliation. Our time was what it was, and that has ended now. That bond can not this side of heaven be. Why is it so difficult to let it go.

The year is now 2015.  I have been married to the most amazing gift of a man for 6 years now.  He has healed me even more than I thought I could be or even needed to be.

It has been two years since my mother passed away.  My sisters frequently post of missing her.  I don’t miss who she was here.  I hope for who she is now.  I do spend lots of time with introspect. I want to know that my children have a good mother and that I am doing all that I can to see that they are equipped for every good work.   I now am a new mom. My Kelly has brought with him 4 more loves and 7 more grandkiddos.  My life is so much fuller than I ever thought I could manage.  I love them to the moon and back.  My new daughters and sons have each grown me with very different thoughts and ideas.  They need and want me to varying degrees. They encourage me as much as I do them. They lost their mother to cancer almost 20 years ago now.  They have a different appreciation for a mother’s love. They understand loss very intimately. They fill a need in me that they can’t possible understand.  I feel an impossible blood tie with them.  In my own small way, my 9  children and my 17 grandchildren are my gift.  I am fully theirs to whatever degree they want or need me as long as I live.

I have not had any contact with my father since I was 18 years old.  My two brother have taken turns over the last few years helping take care of our father as he is having more and more difficulty taking care of himself.  It is the middle of Oct 2015 – I got news that my father has had a massive stroke. This news fills me with an indescribable foreboding.   I walked around for a few minutes.  I was running a diagnostic on me.  Do I have any feelings?  I am feeling something, what is it?   I have learned to stop my feelings and hold them in check so much that they do it on their own now.   Is my father going to hell?  Tears filled my eyes. Tears forded my stoic lids and cascaded waterfall-esk. Within moments I was overcome.  God please I don’t want my father to go to hell.  Father, has he asked for your forgiveness?  Please father don’t let him die without the chance to repent.   Father in my selfishness I want to see him in heaven and be able to feel the love on my father as you intended.  I have done so many things in my life that don’t deserve your forgiveness, yet though your Son I am saved and redeemed.  I forgive him, and I plead the He can still hear your voice and say, Yes!

I called my brother, he told me our father was paralyzed on one whole side of his body, couldn’t talk and didn’t recognized our little brother who was there with him. My older brother had been one of our fathers victims to,  He stayed in touch and kept a relationship with our dad throughout his life.  I just could not, neither of us attempted to dissuade the other in anyway to their side.   When I called my brother back to get an update he asked why I cared, not in a mean way just surprised.  I don’t want him to go to Hell.  I don’t know if he has ever repented and taken Jesus as his saviour.   “Oh sis”,  “When I would go to see him on Sundays, he always had his church shows on, and he had his bible all noted up”.   I cried.  “I don’t have any good memories of him, ever”     “Me neither sis” , ” I think Randy does, dad took him fishing and stuff”    I was relieved that Randy didn’t have experiences we had had.  “Will you tell Randy I love him and keep me informed?”  ” I will sis, I love you”   “I love you to brudder,”

I texted, the pastor.  2015 what can I say.   I asked for prayer and filled him in, the message went out to the prayer chain.      I called to get an update and they said our father was awake and moving around in his bed.  I prayed some more and cried.   I sat in a chair and watched tv for 3 hours just so I couldn’t think.   I prayed that night again and felt a peace.   When I got up my phone had a text from my brother that said, “Dad is up walking around”  – I texted back – OMG Thank God!!

I don’t know what this means in any other way. I have peace and I feel that there is Hope.  The evidence of a redeemed life is at least present. That is what I shall rest in.

Our father has advanced dementia.  He may have seen the last of us in this life.  He will battle this cruel fate until his end on this earth.  God is faithful.  I can’t help but to think my loving heavenly father, allowed this for “me”.

In church, we have talked many times recently about people being hurt in their lives and children being abused, has also been in the conversation.  People say this is the worst possible horror that could ever be.  That this is the most unforgivable act.   I tell them any time a person, child or otherwise is torn down with evil language or action it is equally terrible, but none are unforgivable.  God’s Son died for ALL sin, and sinners.

When I am met with any push back I tell my story, who can argue?  To be able to have God’s great Son in my heart and His Spirit working in me in such a way, that I am able to show those who can’t find their way back from the darkness and have been fooled into believing there is no Light, is my Joy forever.   God allows me to be His hands and feet and if I can only speak my past and show them there is a future, He will do the rest, Jehovah Rapha – the great physician.

Though my story is not over by a long shot, it is a happily ever after, after all.   God Bless


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